In my years on this earth, I’ve made a habit of coming out of closets. When I came out as gay at 18, my mom went on a years-long campaign to convince me I wasn’t attracted to other men. At 20, after a nasty breakup with someone I was dating, I agreed to go to conversion therapy sponsored by my church (I grew up Mormon). While trying to pray the gay away, I went back into the closet, but I stopped conversion therapy after four years to preserve my sanity and life.

As far as my family was concerned, I was “cured,” and I stayed in the closet whenever I interacted with them. Why? I carried deep psychological, emotional, and physical trauma from earlier years—things the conversion therapy never addressed. That led me to protect myself at any cost. I came down with a severe case of “the disease to please,” and the guilt and shame I felt were so deep-seated I couldn’t love myself. Years of positive affirmations couldn’t erase the guilt and shame, and I sought external validation however I could get it.

It took me a long time to come out again, and when I did, the religion-inspired drama repeated itself. However, I stood in my truth this time and refused to become something I wasn’t, and my relationships are better for that.

Life was good until roughly ten years ago, when I decided to come out of another closet.

I’ve identified as an empath most of my life, but my ability to feel things transcended just perceiving others’ emotions. I could feel things about people that they kept hidden from nearly everyone. I instinctively created energetically “safe” bubbles around every interaction. Most of the time, I didn’t realize what I was doing, yet people often said they felt comfortable around me. In our conversations, they would open up about things they wouldn’t tell anyone else, and in return, I would offer whatever encouragement I could to help them feel at peace with themselves.

I share this to give context to what unfolded next. Although I left organized religion, I never abandoned my belief in a higher power. Mentions of God triggered me, but other references to a higher power didn’t, so I pursued a metaphysical path to spirituality. During that time, I paid attention to what I felt around me, and I realized that what I perceived went beyond mere sensing of emotions.

When I felt things, which was the only way I could describe what I did, I could translate what I perceived into words that impacted the people around me. I could share insights that had no meaning to me, but that had significant meaning to someone else. It was during that time that multiple people told me my spirit guides were trying to speak through me. 

As someone who historically acted before I thought, I listened to the encouragement I received and fully opened myself up to see how far my gift would take me.

I wasn’t prepared for what came next.

Had I taken the time to learn more about connecting with spirit guides before I dove in with both feet, I would’ve discovered that going all-in from the beginning isn’t recommended if one has unresolved trauma stuffed deep inside. My body and brain weren’t ready for the conscious energy passing through me. Add an unhealthy dose of guilt, shame, and self-hatred to the mix, and you have a recipe for something very messy.

In essence, I short-circuited myself. There was so much cognitive dissonance between what I was processing and how I felt about myself that I shut down.

Given my previous experience with “therapy,” I was reluctant to get help. I sometimes went to a therapist if I was in particularly bad shape, but I mostly developed my own coping mechanisms. I put up a wall between myself and my connection to higher consciousness and abandoned any thought of further developing my gifts. In other words, I went back into the spiritual closet.

It was a dark time because I felt disconnected from everything that made me who I am. I was going through the motions of life, but I wasn’t living. The “Happio” everyone knew was gone.

In 2022, the lifetime of spiritual and psychological trauma I carried started surfacing on its own, and by 2023, I could barely function. I mention this because I learned that when one is disconnected from their life purpose, their highest self will find a way to get them back on track. It starts with nudges and gentle reminders, but our lives will eventually blow up if we ignore the signals.

The only way my highest self could punch through the wall I built was to set off the equivalent of a nuclear bomb. In just ten days, I lost my job, home, dog, and marriage. In truth, my marriage wasn’t over, but my husband and I separated. I spent most of 2023 in limbo, trying to find my way. Then, toward the end of that year, my husband and I reunited, and I started the hard work of piecing myself back together.

I was guided to two incredible therapists who helped me process my unresolved trauma. Special shout-out to “O” in Florida, who lovingly got me started, and to “J” in Utah, who has helped me through the most painful memories. If it weren’t for those two very special people, I’d still be picking up the pieces. Of course, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention my beloved husband, who never stopped loving and believing in me even through my darkest times.

How does this tie into my sensitive/perceptive side?

It took the science of this world to help me repair my body and mind, and in the process, I removed the barrier between my highest self and me. That, in turn, opened my connection to even higher consciousness, which I refer to as Source Consciousness, or All That Is.

When I realized I was feeling and perceiving my surroundings as I once did, I cautiously started exploring that side of me again. I was relieved when I no longer experienced a vibrational disconnect between my human and higher selves. I clearly saw that Samuel, whom I channeled when I started giving voice to my “woo-woo” side, is the name I gave to my highest self, and it was my highest self who spoke at that time. That part of me spoke on behalf of my spirit guides, whom I good-naturedly refer to as my “committee” or spirit team.

Speaking of spirit guides, I do not doubt that we all have them and can connect with them if we choose. But that’s a whole other conversation.

As I continue on my path of healing and awakening, I can feel the unconditional love, enthusiastic support, and guidance from my team, as well as my broader connection to Source Consciousness. For now, my channeling takes the form of automatic writing. That is a conscious choice I made because I still have some residual fear of putting myself “out there” again. I’ll get over that fear someday, but for now, I do what feels best for me. Sometimes, I publish what I write if I think it can have a broader impact or benefit, but I always go by how I feel. I learned that lesson the hard way.

If you’ve read this far, I guess it’s evident that I’m coming out of the spiritual closet… again. This time, it feels less forced and more natural. For that, I’m deeply grateful.

Thank you for sharing this journey with me. Be well, be grateful, be joyous, and believe in yourself… always.