In my years on this earth, I’ve made a habit of coming out of closets. When I came out as gay at 18, my mom went on a years-long campaign to convince me I wasn’t attracted to other men. At 20, after a nasty breakup with someone I was dating, I agreed to go to conversion therapy sponsored by my church (I grew up Mormon). While trying to pray the gay away, I went back into the closet, but I stopped conversion therapy after four years to preserve my sanity and life.

As far as my family was concerned, I was “cured,” and I stayed in the closet whenever I interacted with them. Why? I carried deep psychological, emotional, and physical trauma from earlier years—things the conversion therapy never addressed. That resulted in a need to protect myself at any cost. I came down with a severe case of “the disease to please,” and the guilt and shame I felt were so deep-seated I couldn’t love myself. Years of positive affirmations couldn’t erase the guilt and shame, and I sought external validation however I could get it.

It took me a long time to come out again, and when I did, the religion-inspired drama repeated itself. However, I stood in my truth this time and refused to become something I wasn’t, and my relationships are better for that.

Life was good until roughly ten years ago when I decided to come out of another closet.

I’ve identified as an empath most of my life, but my ability to feel things transcended just perceiving others’ emotions. I could perceive things about people they kept hidden from nearly everyone. Because of what I could feel, I instinctively created energetically “safe” bubbles around every interaction. Most of the time, I didn’t realize I was doing that, but people frequently said how comfortable they felt around me. In our conversations, they would open up about things they wouldn’t tell anyone else, and in return, I would offer whatever I could to help them feel at peace with themselves.

I share this to give context to what unfolded next. Although I left organized religion, I never abandoned my belief in a higher power. But mentions of God triggered me, so I pursued a metaphysical path to spirituality. During that time, I started noticing that the way I felt things transcended being a hypersensitive empath. Again, I could feel things and vividly describe what I perceived.

When I felt things, which was the only way I could describe what I did, I could translate what I felt into images of past and current events. I could sense a person’s path and perceive what would lead to an individual’s greatest fulfillment and joy. While exploring my gift, multiple people told me that my spirit guides were trying to speak through me. 

As someone who historically acted before I thought, I listened to the encouragement and fully opened myself up to see how far my gift would take me.

I wasn’t prepared for what came next.

Had I taken the time to learn more about channeling before I dove in with both feet, I would’ve discovered that going all-in from the beginning isn’t recommended if one has unresolved trauma stuffed deep inside. My body and brain weren’t ready for the high frequencies passing through me. Add an unhealthy dose of guilt, shame, and self-hatred to the mix, and you have a recipe for something very messy.

In essence, I short-circuited myself. There was so much cognitive dissonance between what I was processing and how I felt about myself that I shut down.

Given my previous experience with “therapy,” I was reluctant to get help. I sometimes went to a psychologist if I was in particularly bad shape, but I mostly developed my own coping mechanisms. I put a wall between me and my connection to source energy and abandoned any thought of developing my gifts further. In other words, I went back into the spiritual closet.

It was a dark time because I felt disconnected from everything that made me me. I was going through the motions of life, but I wasn’t living. The “Happio” everyone knew was gone.

In 2022, all the trauma I carried started surfacing, and by 2023, I could barely function. I mention this because when one is disconnected from their purpose, the Universe will find a way to get us back on track. It starts with nudges and gentle reminders, but our lives will eventually blow up if we ignore the signals.

The only way the Universe could punch through the wall I built was to set off the equivalent of a nuclear bomb. In ten days, I lost my job, home, dog, and marriage. Technically, my marriage wasn’t over, but my husband and I separated. I spent most of 2023 in limbo, trying to find my way. Then, toward the end of that year, my husband and I reunited, and I started the hard work of piecing myself back together.

I was guided to two incredible therapists who helped me process my unresolved trauma. Special shout-out to “O” in Florida, who lovingly got me started, and to “J” in Utah, who has helped me through the most painful memories. If it weren’t for those two very special people, I’d still be picking up the pieces. Of course, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention my beloved husband, who never stopped loving and believing in me even through my darkest times.

How does this tie into my gifts?

It took the science of this world to help me repair my body and mind, and in the process, I removed the barrier between me and All That Is. When I realized I was feeling and perceiving my surroundings as I once did, I cautiously started exploring that side of me again.

I was relieved when I no longer experienced vibrational dissonance between my human and higher selves. I clearly saw that Samuel, whom I channeled when I started down that path, is the name of my highest self. Through Samuel, I connect with the universal consciousness available to all of us. I can feel the unconditional love, enthusiastic support, and guidance from every resource in the higher realms, which I translate into the answers that come through me. Looking back, I see that it had always been my highest self who spoke when I was in my channeling state.

If you’ve read this far, I guess it’s evident that I’m coming out of the spiritual closet… again.

I’m moving forward cautiously because I’m still healing from my lost years. However, I know I’m aligned with my purpose once more, and I’m committed to staying on that path for my remaining time on this Earth.

Thank you for sharing this journey with me. Be well, be grateful, be joyous, and believe in yourself… always.