On the courage it takes to be fully, unapologetically yourself.
In my years on this earth, I've made a habit of coming out of closets.
When I came out as gay at 18, my mom went on a years-long campaign to convince me I wasn't attracted to other men. At 20, after a nasty breakup, I agreed to go to conversion therapy sponsored by my church. I grew up Mormon. While trying to pray the gay away, I went back into the closet, but I stopped conversion therapy after four years to preserve my sanity and my life.
As far as my family was concerned, I was "cured," and I stayed in the closet whenever I interacted with them. Why? I carried deep psychological, emotional, and physical trauma from earlier years — things the conversion therapy never addressed. That led me to protect myself at any cost. I came down with a severe case of the disease to please, and the guilt and shame I felt were so deep-seated that I couldn't love myself. Years of positive affirmations couldn't erase them, and I sought external validation however I could.
It took me a long time to come out again, and when I did, the religion-inspired drama repeated itself. This time, though, I stood in my truth and refused to become something I wasn't. My relationships are better for that.
Life was good until roughly ten years ago, when I decided to come out of another closet entirely.
I've identified as an empath for most of my life, but my ability to feel things goes beyond simply perceiving others' emotions. I could sense things about people that they kept hidden from nearly everyone. I instinctively created energetically safe spaces around every interaction, often without realizing it. People frequently told me they felt comfortable around me. In our conversations, they would open up about things they wouldn't tell anyone else, and I would offer whatever encouragement I could to help them find peace with themselves.
I share this to give context to what unfolded next.
Although I left organized religion, I never abandoned my belief in a higher power. Mentions of God triggered me, but other references to a higher power didn't, so I pursued a metaphysical path to spirituality. During that time, I paid close attention to what I felt around me, and I realized that what I perceived went beyond mere emotional sensing.
When I felt things — and feeling was the only word I had for it — I could translate what I perceived into words that impacted the people around me. I could share insights that meant nothing to me personally, but carried profound meaning for someone else. It was during that time that multiple people told me my spirit guides were trying to speak through me.
As someone who had historically acted before thinking, I listened, and I opened myself fully to see how far this gift would take me.
I wasn't prepared for what followed.
Had I taken the time to learn more about connecting with spirit guides before diving in with both feet, I would have discovered that going all-in from the beginning isn't recommended, especially for someone carrying unresolved trauma. The internal tension between what I was spiritually experiencing and how I felt about myself was profound, and external circumstances I won't detail here made it considerably worse. My body and mind simply weren't ready for the conscious energy passing through me. Add an unhealthy dose of guilt, shame, and self-hatred to the mix, and you have a recipe for something very messy.
In essence, I short-circuited myself. The cognitive dissonance between what I was processing and how I felt about myself became overwhelming, and I shut down.
Given my previous experience with therapy, I was reluctant to get help. I developed my own coping mechanisms instead, built a wall between myself and my connection to higher consciousness, and abandoned any thought of further developing my gifts. In other words, I went back into the spiritual closet.
It was a dark time. I felt disconnected from everything that made me who I am. I was going through the motions of life, but I wasn't living. The "Happio" everyone knew was gone.
In 2022, the lifetime of spiritual and psychological trauma I had been carrying started surfacing on its own. By 2023, I could barely function. I've come to understand that when we disconnect from our life's purpose, our highest self will find a way to get us back on track. It starts with gentle nudges, but if we ignore the signals long enough, our lives will eventually demand our attention in ways we can't ignore.
The only way my highest self could break through the wall I'd built was to set off the equivalent of a nuclear bomb. In just ten days, I lost my job, home, dog, and marriage. In truth, my marriage wasn't over, but my husband and I separated. I spent most of 2023 in limbo, trying to find my way back to myself. Then, toward the end of that year, my husband and I reunited, and the hard work of piecing myself back together began.
I was guided to two incredible therapists who helped me process my unresolved trauma. A special and heartfelt shout-out to "O" in Florida, who lovingly got me started, and to "J" in Utah, who has walked with me through my most painful memories. They know who they are, and I hope they know how deeply grateful I am. And I would be remiss if I didn't mention my beloved husband, who never stopped loving or believing in me, even through my darkest times.
So how does all of this tie into my sensitive and perceptive side?
It took the science of this world to help me repair my body and mind. I say that without irony and without apology: therapy, introspection, and the hard work of healing are as sacred to me as any spiritual practice. And in doing that work, I removed the barrier between my highest self and me, which reopened my connection to what I call Source Consciousness, or All That Is.
As I began to feel and perceive my surroundings again, I cautiously started exploring that side of me once more. I was relieved to find that the vibrational disconnect I had once experienced was gone. What emerged clearly was that when I gave voice to what some might call my "woo-woo" side, I was channeling something genuine: my highest self, the part of me I came to know as Samuel, speaking on behalf of my guides, whom I affectionately call my committee, or my spiritual team. It was understatement when I named him. It feels like something larger now.
I have no doubt that we all have guides and can connect with them if we choose. But that's a conversation for another day.
As I continue on this path of healing and awakening, I feel the unconditional love, enthusiastic support, and guidance of my team, as well as my broader connection to Source Consciousness. For now, my channeling takes the form of automatic writing, a conscious choice I made because I still carry some residual fear of putting myself out there again. I'll move through that fear in my own time, but for now, I do what feels right. I publish what I write when I believe it can contribute to the well-being of all, and I always let my heart lead. I learned that lesson the hard way.
If you've read this far, it's probably evident that I'm coming out of the spiritual closet again. This time, it feels less forced and far more natural. For that, I'm deeply grateful.
This is me, fully and without apology. Thank you for witnessing it.
Be well. Be joyous. Be grateful. And above all, be exactly who you are.
Always,
Appio
